Skip to main content Accessibility help

We use cookies to distinguish you from other users and to provide you with a better experience on our websites. Close this message to accept cookies or find out how to manage your cookie settings.

Close cookie message
×
Hostname: page-component-cd9895bd7-dzt6s Total loading time: 0 Render date: 2025-01-03T10:30:22.447Z Has data issue: false hasContentIssue false

15 - When Love Hurts: Understanding Hurtful Events in Couple Relationships

from PART IV - HURT IN RELATIONAL CONTEXTS

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  04 August 2010

By
Judith A. Feeney
Edited by
Anita L. Vangelisti
Anita L. Vangelisti
Affiliation:
University of Texas, Austin
Get access

Summary

“Love is a battlefield,” “love hurts,” “love and other bruises”: Popular songs are replete with references to the pain that may be associated with romantic love. This chapter begins by outlining the particular importance of hurt feelings in couple relationships. It then addresses issues concerning the nature of hurtful events between intimate partners, the consequences of these events for victims and relationships, and the differing perceptions of victims and perpetrators. The final section presents avenues for further research and implications for practice.

WHY STUDY HURT IN COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS?

Researchers and lay people alike agree that personal relationships are crucial to physical and psychological well-being (e.g., Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Of particular importance in this regard are couple (“romantic”) relationships. These relationships are fundamental to the structure of society and play a unique role in meeting individuals' needs for comfort, companionship, support, and security (Argyle, 1986; Weiss, 1991).

Although terms such as “comfort” and “support” imply positive affect, romantic partners' unique role as a source and target of strong emotion is a double-edged sword – as many song titles suggest, “love” often entails “hurt.” The early stages of couple relationships involve considerable relational uncertainty, as partners know little about each other's hopes, intentions, and weaknesses. At the same time, they may experience intense physical attraction and the related features of physiological arousal, together with concerns about the extent to which these feelings are reciprocated (Hazan & Zeifman, 1999).

Type
Chapter
Information
Feeling Hurt in Close Relationships , pp. 313 - 335
Publisher: Cambridge University Press
Print publication year: 2009

Access options

Get access to the full version of this content by using one of the access options below. (Log in options will check for institutional or personal access. Content may require purchase if you do not have access.)

References

Argyle, M. (1986). The skills, rules, and goals of relationships. In Gilmour, R. & Duck, S. (Eds.), The emerging field of personal relationships (pp. 23–39). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Argyle, M., Henderson, M., & Furnham, A. (1985). The rules of social relationships. British Journal of Social Psychology, 24, 125–139.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497–529.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A., & Wotman, S. R. (1990). Victim and perpetrator accounts of interpersonal conflict: Autobiographical narratives about anger. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 994–1005.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Baxter, L. A. (1986). Gender differences in the heterosexual relationship rules embedded in break-up accounts. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 3, 289–306.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Bowlby, J. (1979). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. London: Tavistock.Google Scholar
Buss, D. M. (1988). Love acts: The evolutionary biology. In Sternberg, R. J. & Barnes, M. L. (Eds.), The psychology of love (pp. 100–118). New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.Google Scholar
Cahn, D. D. (1990). Intimates in conflict: A research review. In Cahn, D. D. (Ed.), Intimates in conflict: A communication perspective (pp. 1–22). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Cameron, J. J., Ross, M., & Holmes, J. G. (2002). Loving the one you hurt: Positive effects of recounting a transgression against an intimate partner. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 307–314.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Clark, M. S., Graham, S., & Grote, N. (2002). Bases for giving benefits in marriage: What is ideal? What is realistic? What really happens? In Noller, P. & Feeney, J. A. (Eds.), Understanding marriage: Developments in the study of couple interaction (pp. 150–176). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Downey, G., & Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70, 1327–1343.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, 290–292.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Eldridge, K. A., & Christensen, A. (2002). Demand-withdraw communication during couple conflict: A review and analysis. In Noller, P. & Feeney, J. A. (Eds.), Understanding marriage: Developments in the study of couple interaction (pp. 289–322). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Feeney, J. A. (1999). Adult romantic attachment and couple relationships. In Cassidy, J. & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.), The handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 355–377). New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Feeney, J. A. (2003). The systemic nature of couple relationships: An attachment perspective. In Erdman, P. & Caffery, T. (Eds.), Attachment and family systems: Conceptual, empirical and therapeutic relatedness (pp. 139–163). New York: Brunner/Mazel.Google Scholar
Feeney, J. A. (2004). Hurt feelings in couple relationships: Towards integrative models of the negative effects of hurtful events. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21, 487–508.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Feeney, J. A. (2005). Hurt feelings in couple relationships: Exploring the role of attachment and perceptions of personal injury. Personal Relationships, 12, 253–271.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Feeney, J. A., & Hill, A. (2006). Victim-perpetrator differences in reports of hurtful events. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23, 587–608.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Fitness, J. (2001). Betrayal, rejection, revenge, and forgiveness: An interpersonal script approach. In Leary, M. R. (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection (pp. 73–103). New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Fitzgerald, J. R. (2005). Psychological hurt in couple relationships: Prevention and resolution. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of Queensland, Australia.Google Scholar
Folkes, V. S. (1982). Communicating the reasons for social rejection. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 18, 235–252.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Gordon, K. C., & Baucom, D. H. (1998). Understanding betrayals in marriage: A synthesized model of forgiveness. Family Process, 37, 425–449.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Hazan, C., & Zeifman, D. (1999). Pair bonds as attachments: Evaluating the evidence. In Cassidy, J. & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.), The handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 336–354). New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Johnson, S. M. (2003). Attachment theory: A guide for couple therapy. In Johnson, S. M. & Whiffen, V. E. (Eds.), Attachment processes in couple and family therapy (pp. 103–123). New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Jones, W. H., Moore, D. S., Schratter, A., & Negel, L. A. (2001). Interpersonal transgressions and betrayals. In Kowalski, R. M. (Ed.), Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 233–256). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Kaplar, M. E., & Gordon, A. K. (2004). The enigma of altruistic lying: Perspective differences in what motivates and justifies lie telling within romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 11, 489–507.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Keltner, D., Young, R. C., Heerey, E. A., Oemig, C., & Monarch, N. D. (1998). Teasing in hierarchical and intimate relations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 1231–1247.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Kowalski, R. M. (2001). The aversive side of social interaction revisited. In Kowalski, R. M. (Ed.), Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 297–309). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Kowalski, R. M., Howerton, E., & McKenzie, M. (2001). Permitted disrespect: Teasing in interpersonal interactions. In Kowalski, R. M. (Ed.), Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 177–202). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Leary, M. R. (2001). Toward a conceptualization of interpersonal rejection. In Leary, M. R. (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection (pp. 3–20). New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Leary, M. R., & Springer, C. A. (2001). Hurt feelings: The neglected emotion. In Kowalski, R. M. (Ed.), Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 151–175). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Leary, M. R., Springer, C., Negel, L., Ansell, E., & Evans, K. (1998). The causes, phenomenology, and consequences of hurt feelings. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 1225–1237.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
MacDonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131, 202–223.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
McCullough, M. E., Rachal, K. C., Sandage, S. J., Worthington, E. L., Brown, S. W., & Hight, T. L. (1998). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships: II. Theoretical elaboration and measurement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 1586–1603.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
McGregor, I., & Holmes, J. G. (1999). How storytelling shapes memory and impressions of relationship events over time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76, 403–419.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Mikula, G., Athenstaedt, U., Heschgl, S., & Heimgartner, A. (1998). Does it only depend on the point of view? Perspective-related differences in justice evaluations of negative incidents in personal relationships. European Journal of Social Psychology, 28, 931–962.3.0.CO;2-5>CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Miller, R. S. (1997). We always hurt the ones we love: Aversive interactions in close relationships. In Kowalski, R. M. (Ed.), Aversive interpersonal behaviors (pp. 11–29). New York: Plenum Press.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Murray, S. L., Rose, P., Bellavia, G. M., Holmes, J. G., & Kusche, A. G. (2002). When rejection stings: How self-esteem constrains relationship-enhancement processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 556–573.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Newberg, A. B., d'Aquili, E. G., Newberg, S. K., & Marici, V. (2000). The neuropsychological correlates of forgiveness. In McCullough, M., Pargament, K., & Thoresen, C. (Eds.), Forgiveness: Theory, research and practice (pp. 91–110). New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Noller, P., & Guthrie, D. (1991). Studying communication in marriage: An integration and critical evaluation. In Jones, W. H. & Perlman, D. (Eds.), Advances in personal relationships (Vol. 3; pp. 37–73). London: Jessica Kingsley.Google Scholar
Olson, M. M., Russell, C. S., Higgins-Kessler, M., & Miller, R. B. (2002). Emotional processes following disclosure of an extramarital affair. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 28, 423–434.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Planalp, S., & Fitness, J. (1999). Thinking/feeling about social and personal relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 16, 731–750.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Roseman, I. J., & Smith, C. A. (2001). Appraisal theory: Overview, assumptions, varieties, controversies. In Scherer, K. R., Schorr, A., & Johnstone, T. (Eds.), Appraisal process in emotion: Theory, methods, research (pp. 3–19). London: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Rothbard, J. C., & Shaver, P. R. (1994). Continuity of attachment across the life span. In Sperling, M. B. & Berman, W. H. (Eds.), Attachment in adults: Theory, assessment, and treatment (pp. 31–71). New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Schutz, A. (1999). It was your fault! Self-serving biases in autobiographical accounts of conflicts in married couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 13, 193–208.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4, 133–161.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Shaver, P., Schwartz, J., Kirson, D., & O'Connor, C. (1987). Emotion knowledge: Further exploration of a prototype approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 1061–1086.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Sillars, A. L. (1998). (Mis)understanding. In Spitzberg, B. H. & Cupach, W. R. (Eds.), The dark side of close relationships (pp. 73–102). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Sillars, A., Leonard, K. E., Roberts, L. J., & Dun, T. (2002). Cognition and communication during marital conflict: How alcohol affects subjective coding of interaction in aggressive and nonaggressive couples. In Noller, P. & Feeney, J. A. (Eds.), Understanding marriage: Developments in the study of couple interaction (pp. 85–112). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Sprecher, S., Felmlee, D., Orbuch, T. L., & Willetts, M. C. (2002). Social networks and change in personal relationships. In Vangelisti, A. L., Reis, H. T., & Fitzpatrick, M. A. (Eds.), Stability and change in relationships (pp. 257–284). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Vangelisti, A. L. (1994). Messages that hurt. In Cupach, W. R. & Spitzberg, B. H. (Eds.), The dark side of interpersonal communication (pp. 53–82). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Vangelisti, A. L. (2001). Making sense of hurtful interactions in close relationships. In Manusov, V. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Attribution, communication behavior, and close relationships (pp. 38–58). New York: Cambridge University Press.Google Scholar
Vangelisti, A. L., & Crumley, L. P. (1998). Reactions to messages that hurt: The influence of relational contexts. Communication Monographs, 65, 173–196.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Vangelisti, A. L., Young, S. L., Carpenter-Theune, K. E., & Alexander, A. L. (2005). Why does it hurt? The perceived causes of hurt feelings. Communication Research, 32, 443–477.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Wallerstein, J. S., & Blakeslee, S. (1995). The good marriage: How and why love lasts. New York: Houghton Mifflin.Google Scholar
Weiss, R. S. (1991). The attachment bond in childhood and adulthood. In Parkes, C. M., Stevenson-Hinde, J., & Marris, P. (Eds.), Attachment across the life cycle (pp. 66–76). London: Tavistock/Routledge.Google Scholar
Zechmeister, J. S., & Romero, C. (2002). Victim and offender accounts of interpersonal conflict: Autobiographical narratives of forgiveness and unforgiveness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82, 675–686.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed

Save book to Kindle

To save this book to your Kindle, first ensure [email protected] is added to your Approved Personal Document E-mail List under your Personal Document Settings on the Manage Your Content and Devices page of your Amazon account. Then enter the ‘name’ part of your Kindle email address below. Find out more about saving to your Kindle.

Note you can select to save to either the @free.kindle.com or @kindle.com variations. ‘@free.kindle.com’ emails are free but can only be saved to your device when it is connected to wi-fi. ‘@kindle.com’ emails can be delivered even when you are not connected to wi-fi, but note that service fees apply.

Find out more about the Kindle Personal Document Service.

Available formats
×

Save book to Dropbox

To save content items to your account, please confirm that you agree to abide by our usage policies. If this is the first time you use this feature, you will be asked to authorise Cambridge Core to connect with your account. Find out more about saving content to Dropbox.

Available formats
×

Save book to Google Drive

To save content items to your account, please confirm that you agree to abide by our usage policies. If this is the first time you use this feature, you will be asked to authorise Cambridge Core to connect with your account. Find out more about saving content to Google Drive.

Available formats
×