This paper explores the impact of polite codes of manners within the home and in marriage. It focuses on marital violence as a manifestation of impolite behaviour, and argues that codes of politeness could offer benefits for wives faced with violent husbands. Instead of silencing discussion of marital violence, ideas about polite behaviour enabled women to define unacceptable male behaviour in marriage, and to find new ways of responding to violence. A case study of one marriage breakdown shows how within the culture of polite manners and sensibility, nervous illnesses became a powerful way for genteel women to signal violent or sexual abuse.