Revisiting the nexus of identities and norms, this article argues that actors’ attitude and policies are not the automatic reflection of a salient identity but the articulation of what I call ‘identity norms’, defined as standards of appropriate behaviour for in-group actors vis-à-vis an out-group. Central to my argument is that identities become straw men at times of momentous change, whilst identity norms, crafted and propagated through an intersubjective understanding amongst different actors, emerge as a guiding principle in state-to-state relations. By illustrating the trajectories of reconciliation between North and South Korea, this article examines the anomalies of how antagonistic states forge friendly ties.