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4 - Adding Insult to Injury: The Contributions of Politeness Theory to Understanding Hurt Feelings in Close Relationships

from PART II - CONCEPTUALIZING HURT

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  04 August 2010

By
Daena J. Goldsmith  and
Erin Donovan-Kicken
Edited by
Anita L. Vangelisti
Anita L. Vangelisti
Affiliation:
University of Texas, Austin
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Summary

A clerk in a clothing and jewelry store told one of us about an incident in which a customer said to her, “You aren't helping me at all here.” The clerk reported that, normally, this comment would have hurt her feelings, but it did not because several other customers and coworkers rolled their eyes, smiled, shrugged, and gave other signs that the clerk interpreted as indicating that the customer was being unreasonable and the comment should be ignored. On another occasion, one of us overheard a group of teenage girls talking. In front of the group, one of the girls said to another, “It hurt my feelings when you blew me off last weekend. You're supposed to be my best friend,” to which the other girl responded, “We're not best friends. Why are you being such a drama queen?” In both examples, feeling hurt was not only a matter of an individual's internal state but also involved performances in which roles and hurt were interactively negotiated.

Why might the same event or comment be more hurtful if others witness it or if it is stated bluntly rather than tactfully? How is hurt related to embarrassment, and how do others' reactions to a hurtful event shape the experience? What is accomplished by retelling the story of one's own or another's hurt? These anecdotes and questions remind us that sometimes we suffer not only injury to our internalized sense of self but also insult to our public image.

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Feeling Hurt in Close Relationships , pp. 50 - 72
Publisher: Cambridge University Press
Print publication year: 2009

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