17 December. ‘Onni, a letter for you.’

From the way Suyŏn approached me I could sense that it was not a welcome letter. It was from Kwŏn. Thanks to a Christmas parole given to model prisoners, he was due to be released on 22nd of December. Whether or not he had received the letter I sent him last June announcing my intention to break with him, he had put down a detailed checklist of items that I should send in before his release. I did not bother to read them. I will not follow his instructions. I crushed the letter in my hand and closed my eyes to remind myself that I must never again get involved with him, I must try to wipe him out of my mind. His life now lay not in my hands but those of Heaven. Despite this firm resolve, I could not help shaking all over.

23 December. I have kept away from work. In no way, could I face the possibility of meeting him. But I cannot shake off the thought of him. Even at this very moment, he will be hanging around the Academy. He may have chosen a place from which he can spot me coming out of the front door. Oh, the horror! I feel more pity for him than hatred. Within the limits of my imagination, he must be the shabbiest and most miserable-looking beggar. Has he really got no place to go to in the whole world? What will become of him? Tong-hi Kwŏn, Changho Yu, and Chŏlsu Kim – which one of these is his real name? Do any of the women associated with him in the past two years know what is happening to him now? – Yuni's grandmother, Julie, Madame Kim, Hwaja…

Staff Christmas party. Suyŏn came to fetch me at the request of Dr Kang. If I was not too bad, would I mind making an appearance at the party even briefly? I braced myself and set out with her but my legs were so weak I could hardly walk.