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I felt like a little invisible shadow. People knew, but I couldn’t tell anyone, as I was so scared that my child would be taken away. I thought if I kept my mouth shut, then at least I had my daughter.

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  25 April 2023

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Summary

I grew up in Cwmbran and knew nothing of domestic violence until I met my future husband at the age of 15. I was locked in his flat and prevented from going to school. I fell pregnant at the age of 16. Things gradually got worse from there. In the following seven years I was continually punched, kicked and bruised, even when pregnant. I had knives held to my throat, bleach poured over me when bathing, my clothes ripped off me in public, was shot at with a pellet rifle, and drugged to keep me compliant and physically imprisoned. Threats to kill me, my daughter or members of my family were a daily occurrence. I was 23 and had lost my family, lost my laughter, lost the sparkle in my eyes. I felt like a little invisible shadow. People knew, but I couldn’t tell anyone, as I was so scared that my child would be taken away. I thought if I kept my mouth shut, then at least I had my daughter.

The trigger point came when he started to mentally abuse my daughter. She was petrified of him and repeatedly asked to be taken away to a happy house. One day he was injecting with one of his mates whilst I was locked in an outhouse cupboard. I managed to push my way out and just ran. All I had was my child benefit book. With my younger sister’s help we collected my daughter from school and went straight to the local Women’s Aid charity. They brought me to this very room in this very refuge in Monmouthshire.

My life started the day I left him. I went to performing arts college, learnt to drive, did a degree, and slowly forged a career in working with children. It is only over the past year, since I got my job at Cyfannol, that I’ve managed to really ground and distance myself from the girl who turned up at this refuge in all her utterly broken state.

I see and feel the transparency and invisibility in the women who come to Cyfannol for the first time. I recognise the turmoil in their minds, the not knowing where they fit in. It’s my role to work with them, and primarily their children, and help them rebuild their lives.

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Invisible Britain
Portraits of Hope and Resilience
, pp. 25 - 27
Publisher: Bristol University Press
Print publication year: 2018

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