This chapter considers the issues of child discipline and favouritism and ‘the rules’ that apply to the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren. It asks:

• • Does the ‘norm of non-interference’ mean that grandparents should hesitate to discipline their grandchildren?

• • Do grandparents often ‘spoil’ grandchildren, and do parents object to the grandparents’ indulgence and lax discipline?

• • Are there rules about reprimanding grandchildren when a parent is present?

• • Are grandparents who have been asked to provide regular childcare given free rein to discipline their grandchildren as if they were their own children?

• • Do parents feel resentful when they learn that their ex-spouse’s parents have reprimanded their child for bad behaviour?

Disciplining grandchildren

Parents, grandchildren and grandparents were asked to describe their experience and discuss their feelings about discipline and childcare. We anticipated that discipline might be a contentious subject but found that it was a source of conflict in few of the families that were interviewed. Some grandparents felt unsure about whether they should rebuke their grandchildren for bad behaviour, but few parents saw this as an issue. Only two of the 35 resident parents who were interviewed expressed strong reservations about their own parents’ disciplinary practices. For example, Eleanor’s mother, whose views are also discussed in Chapter Ten of this book, commented:

There were, however, other resident parents who had reservations about grandparents’ lack of discipline. Janet’s mother noted that her nine-year-old daughter and her younger brother were in the habit of seeking their grandparents’ permission for things that their mother had already refused to grant.

Ingrid’s mother also noted that her parents did not discipline her three children as much as she felt they should: