Catullus 17 poses a host of interpretational difficulties. The thorniest of these concerns its unity. How can the initial lines on the rickety state of Colonia's ponticulus be reconciled with the real focus of the poem, the precipitation from the bridge of a husband who is blind to his bride's erotic needs, in the hope of bringing him to his senses? Many attempts have been made to resolve the problem, but few persuade to any degree. This paper proposes that the key to the unity-question lies in Catullus’ adoption of the rare priapean metre. This manoeuvre expresses itself in two ways: first, by infusing the poem as a whole with the thematic colours ascribed to priapeans by ancient metricians, that is to say a ludic, countrified but also mock-epic ethos: second, and crucially, by constructing the doltish maritus, the thematic locus of the poem, as an alter ego of the eponymous deity of Priapean literature; for just like the god of that corpus, the husband of the poem is a conspicuous sexual under-achiever, the butt of mocking laughter, inurbane, and little more than an insensate block of wood. In sum, by reading c. 17 through a specifically Priapean lens it is possible to discover in it an otherwise elusive unity.