Dear Abbe,
There was an odd suggestion at our society’s executive council meeting. They noted that we needed to create more biological memorial symposia for our meetings. One suggestion was to arrange the death of two prominent biologists. We were dead serious. Can you suggest a good way to accomplish this?
Morbid in Minneapolis
Dear Morbid,
I hesitate to even broach this subject since it might implicate me on several mysterious passings of prominent persons from many years ago. Some of them may have even deserved it. Of course, this typically creates some complications and rather lengthy terms of incarceration. But! All is not lost. As any biologist knows, there are different kinds of death. “Brain dead,” for instance, where the person is an obvious fool who refuses to understand your brilliant research. What you want is “academic” or “career death,” where the scientist is still attending committee meetings and publishing articles but only cites their past research and the accepted theories and does no new work. This is where memorial symposia are especially useful. Holding such a symposium for someone still un-retired is tantamount to career death (like a movie or television actor who now does commercials). After all, if they were still doing anything original, they wouldn’t be “honored” by a memorial symposium, nicht wahr? After such an honor—“You’re done, here’s your lifetime achievement award, your office has been moved down the hall with the rest of the emeriti.” Be sure to pick someone who keeps writing poor reviews for your articles and grant applications.
Dear Abbe,
Have you heard the exciting news that Eric Betzig, Stefan Hell, and William Moerner have won the 2014 Nobel Prize for their development of super-resolution fluorescence microscopy? This marks at least the third time that microscopists have been honored for their outstanding contributions to science. Does it ever make you angry that your work was never recognized by the Nobel committee?Samantha in Stockholm
Dear Sammie
Bedeutungslos! I mean, who cares really? It’s not like any of them are going to be invited as guests on the Tonight show. The best they could hope for would be a guest spot on Conan, but seriously, does anyone watch TBS these days? Angry, you ask? Why would I be ANGRY!!!!!
Worried about the effect your discoveries may have on the future of humanity? Can’t get that hunky lab manager to have a cup with you after hours? No problem! Send your queries to Herr Abbe via his capable and slightly demented assistant at [email protected].
