Dear Abbe,
I am engaged to a fellow lab mate. Her lab coat flows as she walks; I am spellbound by her ability to pour gels. I find myself daydreaming of her as I pipette aliquots. Alas, I discovered that she has been dallying with a physicist in the next building! I am inclined to confront the scoundrel and my fiancée. I am not normally a violent sort, but my dander has been mightily raised. How would you deal with this situation?
Cuckold in Cremona
Dear Cuckold,
Ah, young love; and an old dilemma! Scientific affairs have always been part and parcel to high drama and technological chivalry. Violence is rarely an effective remedy. I remember once when Marie Curie, Paul Langevin, Albert Einstein, and I were in discussion at the Nassauer Hof in Wiesbaden when the paparazzi showed up wanting to catch Marie and Paul together for the local paper. Paul was already angry with an editor who had besmirched Marie's honor with lurid tales of an affair. A challenge to a duel was voiced. Meanwhile Albert and I were trying to explain the concept of “doppelte Beutelfrau” to one of the reporters when Albert (ever the celebrity) tells him in a voice much too loud, “You see, Marie has a sparkling intelligence, but despite her passionate nature, she is not attractive enough to represent a threat to anyone.” Mein Godt! Now Paul was threatening Albert! At least I am discreet with my honest appraisals. I propose that you do not try and recover your unfaithful Fräulein but instead break off the engagement with a formal ritual used by that great thespian, Steve Martin. You must go to her in a public venue and say three times “I break with thee!” and then throw dog poop on her shoes. I have done this once with great success, and the handprint on my cheek only lasted a week.
Herr Abbe is here to provide protocols for all your problems and peccadilloes! Don't let pride stop you from asking. Go ahead, take the plunge, write to his assistant at [email protected]and see if your life doesn't improve.
