Dear Abbe,
Our Office of the Vice President for Research has lost so much money investing in real estate that our operations budget has been reduced dramatically. We are looking into alternative means to supplement our revenue stream. Someone suggested taking in outside work. Can you suggest alternatives?
Scrimping in Saint Louis
Dear Scrimpy,
Ach du leiber! What a tangled web we weave when academic VPs stray from time-honored traditions of raising money, such as begging the governor and representatives in appropriations committees. Of the many ideas used to secure extra money, one employed by a friend in Athens, Georgia was particularly effective. They renovated their break room into a bistro with espresso, teas, snacks, and scones. With some advertising, students and faculty came to spend $4.50 for coffee and $3 on pastries while listening to campus volunteers recite lab poetry or play live jazz. The mood of the lab is more festive, and the profit was used to update equipment and purchase supplies. The number of clients increased as an excuse to frequent the lab. Then things got out of hand. The Health Department visited, the provost got involved, and they started doing confocal workshops there. Now they're back to coffee and occasional snacks for free.
Dear Abbe,
I am about to install an advanced imaging system in a biosafety level-3 facility. To work in the facility, I suit up and wear a rigid face mask because the cells/pathogens will be on the scope and could be open to the environment. Consequently, the oculars are useless. A survey of the full field of view is needed, but a widefield camera won't allow a view of the full field. Can you provide a working solution?
Exposed in Edmonton
Dear Overexposed,
I suggest hiring lab techs or post docs who are already infected with the pathogen and don't have much time left (and little to live for). If you hire techs with no known next-of-kin, you could avoid having to fill out all those pesky IACUC forms. They could be kept working in the BSL3 facility indefinitely (or at least until they expire) by passing them sterilized coffee and Little Debbie® snack cakes. One side benefit would be having data on the effects of snack cakes on infection progress. Back in my day, this could be done by hiring convicts or debtors, but this may no longer be an option. You'd have to check on union rules and university policy.
If you are dying to ask Herr Abbe a question about a professional or personal problem, write to his able and frugal assistant at [email protected].
